i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
