Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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