I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
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just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
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Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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