can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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