things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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