There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
