I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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