I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
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The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
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I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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