I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
