How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
