I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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