god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
