is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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