I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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