happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
