The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
