between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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