she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
is it fun? or sober?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
