so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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