What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
