Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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