Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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