I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
