had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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