Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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