I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
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BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
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You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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