i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
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Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Someone came in the potted fern
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The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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