Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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