Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
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Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
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His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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