Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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