he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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