Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
