he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Operation Purity has been aborted
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
