she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
