Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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