My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
