I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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