I think I won the penis lottery.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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