evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
