My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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