Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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