She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
