i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize
