i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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