Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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