It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
