My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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