I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
