we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
then he tried to convert me to islam
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
