I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
