I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
