I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
