you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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