I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
