You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
